Track 20: Shattered

I began recording this in earnest in June of 2009, completing it in late July - some of what was included were the last of my early songs from the "Embryo Files" that have been collected in other posts. Most of what remained were written between 2007 and 2009, and those are what you'll find here. The original CD title was "Scraping Bottom"

Reality

Written in summer 2007

It's about my proposal to C, written as if set in one night, though in truth the conversation lasted over a week, there were a lot of layers, more than a traditional proposal. Musically this is one of my "wandering path" songs, one that doesn't follow the conventional verse/chorus/verse structure but wanders from one melody to the other and from one dominant key to the next (here's its F# to BM to D to G) - Oh, and dancing on her fingertips is not to be taken literally, it just means she was nervously tapping her fingers on the table, lol.

Lyrics

There's nothing more absurd, than what I just heard, spilling from my lips

And you're dancing on your fingertips, bite your lip to buy more time

What kind balm can you offer, how can you tell your friend

That he's thinking like a fool, baby that's not cruel, that's my reality

(So, say what you need to say) that's my reality

(I know the words by heart anyway) did I really think you'd marry me

When I made this mad proposal, I said I'd slay dragons for you

When I made my desperate pitch, it wasn't simply your soul I was trying to rescue

My angel my muse my heart, when I made this sacred oath

I was offering an escape from reality, I was offering an escape from reality

I was offering an escape from reality... for us both

A Million Miles Away

Written in 1997

A song about regrets, and that's about it. I was so locked up inside myself - I was always a quiet kid, but the traumas I experience during my middle school years, caused me to recede even further away from people. Musically it's another wandering path song, though this circles back, to end where it began.

Lyrics

I was the one who was a million miles away

Didn't realize it till now

I was the one who was a million miles away

Didn't regret it till now

If you could travel to your past

Would you take the chance for just one day

To be with the person you were back then

But even then, would listen to a word you'd say

And I don't know if I have ever known a time

A moment in my life when I felt in synch

Always on the outside even when I made it on the inside

I was the one who was a million miles away

Didn't realize it till now

I was the one who was a million miles away

Didn't regret it till now

2 AM Thursday

Written in September 2007?

I can't find the original lyric sheet so I'm guessing as to its date of birth. I spun it around 3 chords - the words, strangely, were drawn from a riff in the MST3K episode "Human Duplicators", where Joel has Richard Keil's character point out places he'd been while on Earth. I thought that might be a capital idea for a song, have me go through all the landmarks and trace the course of a relationship. This is where we met, this is where we fell apart. I used "Radio 3" for the echoed vocals, I had no FX on the Fostex to do this, so I had to record each voice on its own.

Lyrics

And this is the place, where I first saw your pretty face

This is the room where you offered me your smile

This is where we sat and got to know each other

And there is where I stood and watched you make your way through the crowd

And I came to realize, I came to realize

I was falling in love with you

It was under these dim lights when I first asked you out

And there stands the restaurant where I handed you a rose

And here said our goodbyes and you kissed me on the kiss

And this is the street I drove down, unable to speak

And this was our last dance, though I didn't know it at the time

I took us for granted that was my only crime

And it was on this corner and you pulled your hand sharply from mine

And here, 2 am Thursday, I witness it all come apart

This is where you broke my heart

And here on your porch, I watched you fade away

And this is where I tried to fix what was broken but was unable to save the day

And this is where I slept...

When you rode out of town

I Love You

Written on June 9, 2009

I was dinking around on the guitar and singing lines from a movie review I'd written for the Cate Blanchett film, "Heaven"". The juxtaposition of opposite phrases was part of that. I later fleshed out the piece based on a woman I lived with, something she said about her appearance - from that I thought, "Yes, everything about us is wrong, or mismatched, or imperfect, but I love you anyway." Note: I wish I could take a time machine and erase those distracting claves.

Lyrics

I know you're not much, but your everything

We are just like twins, who are nothing alike

We are elemental, so fundamentally wrong for each other

You're a pain in the ass, don't look so hot without your makeup

I love you

I eat too much crap, I am losing all my hair

When I look at you smiling at me, I feel young and fair

We have been infused with a poetic melancholy

We're so dark and jolly

Chorus

And if you tell me it's okay, even while Rome is burning, I'll believe you

Wish

Written on August 1, 2007, at 5:25 pm

I wrote this while C and I were texting each other. I don't remember what we talked about, but it was probably related to the lyrics. It's a sweet but simple number, there's no true chorus or bridge, it simply revolves around 3 verses, with a small variation on the last one. 

Lyrics

Wish I could tear the pain from your heart

Wish I could protect you when the bleeding start

Your light saved my life

I wish mine could save yours

I'm a songwriter and all I can offer are empty words

And a handful of tears, and a place to leave your fears

My tongue trips up and fails to tell you true

What a blessing it was to find a friend like you

Your light saved my life

I wish mine could save yours

I'm a songwriter and all I can offer are empty words

And a handful of tears, and a place to leave your fears

You're so much more special than you know

And if that sounds corny or trite

It's only because inspired declarations elude me tonight

The Island

Written May 1, 2008

This was inspired by a comment made by an internet pal who said of one of my tunes (Drill a Hole in My Head) - "You give away too much power", and of course that found its way into a song. Lots of bleeding in this one (yeesh, me and blood) - "The Island" I just plucked out of thin air, I had no title, never could figure what else to call it. "Powerless" I guess?  

Lyrics

I lost my muse, now everything I write is shit

I'm so confused, because I really, really thought I found it

And if I give away too much power, it's because I have none of my own

And at this late hour, I think I'm running out of time, to find what I'm looking for

What a nightmare you weave, what a black sickness we lived through

You begged me "please don't leave", and I see all that spit and bile and blood spill from you

And if you give away too much power, it's because you have none of your own

And at this late hour, you think you're running out of time, to find what you're looking for

And you slip away as easy as you please, as desperate as you squeeze me dry

And leave me here to die

Skipping blithely vapid smile on your face

As you watch me bleed all over the place

Oh, angel, I need to know that you

Would offer a blood sacrifice too, all for love of me

Baby, I'm so sorry, I failed to keep the monsters at bay

I tried to write a happy ending, but these Goddamned lyrics went astray

And if we give away too much power, it's because we have none of our own

And at this late hour, I think we're running out of time, to find what we're looking for

Don't Be Scared, It's Cool

Written on November 11, 2006

This was a throwaway tune using imagery from the horror genre and relating it to sex. The title came from a sound clip they played on a morning radio show (C. Foster Kane). I never did find out what TV show or movie it came from so I couldn't use the actual sound clip in the number.

Lyrics

I can't get you, I can't get you, I can't get you out of my head

Everything's hurting, everything's breaking, everything's aching to get you into my bed

I got no deep poetry, to describe this hunger inside of me

I wanna drive a stake through your heart

I want you to rip me all apart

I wanna take you, I wanna take you, I wanna take you someplace sacred to hide

You're not afraid, no you're not afraid, 'cause you know darkness has its charming side

Chorus

The Hero in Your Movie

Written in December 2006

This is one of the piles of songs I was considering for "Delirium" - It was never a serious contender for the CD and I quickly forgot about it. I got the idea after watching a horror film and noticing the same plot patterns. I thought it would be nice if, in one of these things, the comic relief actually got to be the hero and wound up with the girl in the end. 

I think I was going for a Violent Femmes thing with this one, especially with the voice

Lyrics

It's always the same way in the movies

There will be a chubby guy who pines for the pretty girl

But he's only there to be the comedic third wheel

He's fish bait, destined to die in the second reel.

And sure enough there with be this other guy in a too-tight T-shirt

With a perpetual growth of beard stubble

And he'll save the day (blah, blah blah)

And the girl will give her heart to him (blah, blah blah)

Meanwhile, the poor chubby guy is busy being torn limb from limb

And I wish in the movies the reject would find the pearl

Slay the dragon, gain some respect and get the girl

And baby, you know it would be so groovy

If I could be the hero in your movie

Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, ya

It's always the same way on the TV

Some guy in a red shirt beams down on the planet

He never gets to kiss the green-skinned girl

He never gets to save the world

He never gets to do anything except die, uh-eye, buh bye

A Handful of Rain

Written on July 20, 2009

Some filler for the end of the CD. I didn't write the musical arrangement, I let the Boss drum machine cycle through a random number and improvised the melody and lyrics as it ran. I later spruced up the words - some psychedelic nonsense - and put a heavy delay on my voice.

Lyrics

You carry a handful of rain

Walk up hill and glen

You place it in your goldfish bowl

And start back again

Rainbow stripes, across your eyes

Moonlit stars purify

And rest upon your gentle breast

Where a hummingbird builds a nest

Gods made of marbled stone

Worship at your velvet throne

I spin into your kaleidoscope brain

And drink an offered handful of rain