Here are 9 tracks from this project, made up of home demos recorded on an old 16-track Fostex.
Cover art came from an article on psychology, artist was uncredited. Would love to find out who created those brains. (I can no longer find the article online either)
Content warning: Many of the songs in this demo CD concern addiction, and loving someone with an addiction - the "bullet" in these tracks refers to drugs or alcohol
This Clown's Parade
Written in November 2008
Dylan Meets the Beatles, circa 1965. A song told in 4 chapters: Chapter 1: The clown contemplates death and religion (verse 1). Chapter 2: The clown and his princess (verse 2). Chapter 3: Third person narrator addresses the clown's behavior (verses 3 & 4). Chapter 4: The clown makes a resolution. (chorus)
I originally tried to add a harmonica track and hated each attempt. I went with a fuzz guitar instead and was much happier with that. The handclaps disappear because I got tired of them and forgot to erase the ones that were already in there.
Lyrics
You can find yourself dying, deep down in the dirty mud
Or fluttering gracefully in the blood red sky
Waiving wildly like a madman trying to catch the good lord's eye
God turns away, he's unable to see, so I give in to my anger and curse his apathy
For the past 2 years I've written nothing but songs of love
'cause I met this little lady, who fit me like a glove
But she traded in my heart for scorn, so I have to let her go
But I was resolute in my decision to let every ounce of my pain show
This Clown's Parade
Written in November 2008
Dylan Meets the Beatles, circa 1965. A song told in 4 chapters: Chapter 1: The clown contemplates death and religion (verse 1). Chapter 2: The clown and his princess (verse 2). Chapter 3: Third person narrator addresses the clown's behavior (verses 3 & 4). Chapter 4: The clown makes a resolution. (chorus)
I originally tried to add a harmonica track and hated each attempt. I went with a fuzz guitar instead and was much happier with that. The handclaps disappear because I got tired of them and forgot to erase the ones that were already in there.
Lyrics
You can find yourself dying, deep down in the dirty mud
Or fluttering gracefully in the blood red sky
Waiving wildly like a madman trying to catch the good lord's eye
God turns away, he's unable to see, so I give in to my anger and curse his apathy
For the past 2 years I've written nothing but songs of love
'cause I met this little lady, who fit me like a glove
But she traded in my heart for scorn, so I have to let her go
But I was resolute in my decision to let every ounce of my pain show
I'm done with razor blades, and I'm done with needles
And I'm through with this clown's masquerade
I'm done with razor blades, and I'm done with needles
And I'm through marching in this clown's parade
And he begs off politely, through teeth that are lightly clenched
Like some unwashed saint, too eager to repent
For sins he's never committed, carrying guilt he doesn't own
Wearing a crown of threadbare rags, he descends upon his throne
And I wonder why this fool would drag around these heavy chains
For I can clearly see he loses far more than he gains
But he relishes the attention, his martyrdom provides
So, he picks at the scars, so that they never heal
He's convinced himself that this is the only way to feel
Chorus
First Communion
Written in November 2008
I wanted the music to be ethereal and sad - I wanted the lyrics to give up some secrets, but that the overall meaning would be obscured in the dense fog.
When I looked over my demos, this was one I remembered as a stand-out collection, but once I dug deep into my memories, I began to have concerns about how difficult the subject matter and the imagery. This connects with the content warning above, the gun as drug metaphor, and as someone who was raised in a Christian family, the inclusion of communion, a sacred rite, in this metaphor, was profane and disturbing - as is the notion of a loved one with a drug problem trying to entice you into joining them in their nightmare, rather than protect and shield you from it... profanes love (for the record, I rejected the offers, wouldn't do it). If the lyrics disturb, that was the intention, not to shock for shocks sake, but to illustrate the nightmarish conditions of living and loving an addict. Baby is the Bullet will address this fuller
Lyrics
My nostrils filled with the afterburn of heroin and blood
I watched your marbled eyes roll in their hollow sockets
I flinched as you placed my pretty pieces in your pocket
And you took me, to where I never wanted to be, never wanted to be
And I was just another tool added to your collection
We kept you clothes and fed, you kept us at arm's length in your bed
You took my hand and bent my fingers 'till I heard the snap of bone
Then you left me broken and alone, alone
And I was your foolish one
You placed my hand upon the gun
And gently pressed it to my tongue
And said, this is your first communion
This is your first communion, this is your first communion
The Hat I Bought You
Written in August 2008
And now some self-depreciating humor to lighten the mood. It's about discovering that your former love is doing much better than you are after the breakup. So happy, so beautiful, wearing something that was a part of you/us. The background "Ba Bops" were an attempt at bringing a 60s Bacharach-ian vibe to the tune. I thought of this as light filler, but listeners responded to it well, those I shared it with told me it was one of their favorites. The lyrics clicked with a lot of men and women.
Lyrics
My nostrils filled with the afterburn of heroin and blood
I watched your marbled eyes roll in their hollow sockets
I flinched as you placed my pretty pieces in your pocket
And you took me, to where I never wanted to be, never wanted to be
And I was just another tool added to your collection
We kept you clothes and fed, you kept us at arm's length in your bed
You took my hand and bent my fingers 'till I heard the snap of bone
Then you left me broken and alone, alone
And I was your foolish one
You placed my hand upon the gun
And gently pressed it to my tongue
And said, this is your first communion
This is your first communion, this is your first communion
The Hat I Bought You
Written in August 2008
And now some self-depreciating humor to lighten the mood. It's about discovering that your former love is doing much better than you are after the breakup. So happy, so beautiful, wearing something that was a part of you/us. The background "Ba Bops" were an attempt at bringing a 60s Bacharach-ian vibe to the tune. I thought of this as light filler, but listeners responded to it well, those I shared it with told me it was one of their favorites. The lyrics clicked with a lot of men and women.
Myspace, boy that dates the piece doesn't it. Haha! And apparently the opening chord was a mystery to me, I drew a tab to know my finger placement, and there's a "?" above it, no name.
Lyrics
And there's a picture of you and him, that he's posted on his Myspace page
And you're wearing the hat I bought you, and a smile that puts me in a cage
And he gets to take you to the movies, and he gets to hold you in his arms
While I spend Saturdays in my underwear, nursing a bowl of Lucky Charms
Oh woah, I remember the night, oh no so blissfully right
Walking the Seattle streets, wearing the hat I bought you
You never looked so beautiful, wearing the hat I bought you
Oh damn, this ain't right, guess who's crying themselves to sleep tonight
The Road to Ruin
Written in November 2007
Written sometime in Portland. It was a simple pop song, opening with G, Am, F chords, lamenting the situation I was in.
Lyrics
I got a problem here, she's everything I ever wanted
One day she's gonna fall in love with another, and leave me all alone
And I know that I'm heading for a serious fall, but I know I'll keep coming whenever she calls
Oh Collette I know it's true, I'm on the road to ruin over you
I can't make heads or tails, I've slipped into the Twilight Zone
I'd sell my soul, it's taken its toll, my heart is crumbling under the strain
And I know that I'm crazy but I'll never learn, I'm a foolish old clown watch me crash and burn
Oh Collette I know it's true, I'm on the road to ruin over you
I'll gladly fade, walk this fool's parade
I know it's gonna hurt like hell, you're gonna crack me open like a shell
Drill a Hole in My Head
Written on April 25, 2008
Based on a thought that popped into my head when I couldn't sleep. During its formation I sounded a bit like Wayne Coyne when I sang it, and some of that warble remains. I played around with tempo and arrangement for months, it wound up sounding like a dream - with western guitar and bass mirroring one another. This is the first time I used the clave in a number.
Lyrics
My skull is like a rock tumbler, with memories crashing within
And I think I'm okay, yeah I'm okay for a while
But you always come back in style
My heart is like a rubber band that's, been stretched to the breaking point
This is high mass, this is cheap porn
This is peace and this is scorn
And I need to drill a hole in my head, maybe if I did, you'd find your own way out
And I wouldn't have to suffer through another bought, of getting over you
Lyrics
And there's a picture of you and him, that he's posted on his Myspace page
And you're wearing the hat I bought you, and a smile that puts me in a cage
And he gets to take you to the movies, and he gets to hold you in his arms
While I spend Saturdays in my underwear, nursing a bowl of Lucky Charms
Oh woah, I remember the night, oh no so blissfully right
Walking the Seattle streets, wearing the hat I bought you
You never looked so beautiful, wearing the hat I bought you
Oh damn, this ain't right, guess who's crying themselves to sleep tonight
The Road to Ruin
Written in November 2007
Written sometime in Portland. It was a simple pop song, opening with G, Am, F chords, lamenting the situation I was in.
Lyrics
I got a problem here, she's everything I ever wanted
One day she's gonna fall in love with another, and leave me all alone
And I know that I'm heading for a serious fall, but I know I'll keep coming whenever she calls
Oh Collette I know it's true, I'm on the road to ruin over you
I can't make heads or tails, I've slipped into the Twilight Zone
I'd sell my soul, it's taken its toll, my heart is crumbling under the strain
And I know that I'm crazy but I'll never learn, I'm a foolish old clown watch me crash and burn
Oh Collette I know it's true, I'm on the road to ruin over you
I'll gladly fade, walk this fool's parade
I know it's gonna hurt like hell, you're gonna crack me open like a shell
Drill a Hole in My Head
Written on April 25, 2008
Based on a thought that popped into my head when I couldn't sleep. During its formation I sounded a bit like Wayne Coyne when I sang it, and some of that warble remains. I played around with tempo and arrangement for months, it wound up sounding like a dream - with western guitar and bass mirroring one another. This is the first time I used the clave in a number.
Lyrics
My skull is like a rock tumbler, with memories crashing within
And I think I'm okay, yeah I'm okay for a while
But you always come back in style
My heart is like a rubber band that's, been stretched to the breaking point
This is high mass, this is cheap porn
This is peace and this is scorn
And I need to drill a hole in my head, maybe if I did, you'd find your own way out
And I wouldn't have to suffer through another bought, of getting over you
Drill a hole in my head, drill a hole in my head, drill a hole in my head
Your the pain in the center of my chest, and like Rome I'll burn to ashes
You were so young, and December never finds its May
You always liked girls better any way
Chorus
Bring Down the Heavens
Written September 2008
The Punisher: War Zone movie held a song contest to add an unsigned band to the soundtrack, this was my submission. I wanted it industrial, cold sounding. Everything was filtered through distortion, even the drums. It's tinny, stark, there are chants and off kilter guitars, a layer of feedback. Nothing is pretty in this guy's world. Though for a moment I pull back the distortion on the vocals, slow the tempo, this was the eye of the hurricane.
Lyrics
And I can't find a better place, a bitter taste, like ash and steel
And I can't find a better pain, a bitter truth, there's nothing left in me that's real
I will break my bones and be remade anew, I'll be forged in fire and blood, then set my eyes on you
Break it all, break it all, I'll brings down the heavens with my hand
Break it all, break it all, I'll bring down the heavens with my hands
I can't find a colder heart, a bitter memory, that's not poison for me
I can't find a colder silence, a bitter peace, there's no release
Baby is the Bullet
Written in December 2008
I was terrified of her poison, terrified of the trap - but she was insistent, try it, you'll like it, you don't have an addictive personality, you'll be fine. I wanted the guitar playing to be frantic, ill at ease, then settle into a quiet moment of calm, before the bang! bang! explosion of the chorus. I wanted to illustrate my fear and have it awash in a psychedelic atmosphere (I vocalized the bangs but was thinking more of using a sound effect had I access to one). Played with capo on 5th fret.
Lyrics
You say I don't posses that kind of poverty, and that the first kiss is free
And you can be like, you can be like me, finally look through my eyes and see all that I can see
Angel is the catalyst, just a drop and I don't exist
You're the author of change, authored all change, yet nothing touches you even when this shit gets strange
And I'm telling you I'm scared to death, cause all presence was drained when she sighed
It's another derangement of circumstance, she celebrates when my worlds collide
Baby is the bullet (3x)
Ah Ghra mo Chroi, why do you steal the breath from me, knowing all the pain that left you unborn, you still lead me straight through this path of blood stained thorn
Ah Ghra mo Chroi, I can't survive a loss of that degree, and you get so mad, get so impatient with me, when I won't play, won't play, won't play in your tangled tree
Chorus
Valentine
Written on August 3, 2008
The bullet is a shot of whisky, world in red is seeing with bloodshot eyes. It's about wanting to kill the pain with drink. The original recording featured full instruments from the beginning (drums, bass, guitars), I drew back each one, and gradually brought them in, bit by bit, which is why I say "guitar" at the start, that was my cue, to bring in that track, I was supposed to edit it out but kind of like it, so I kept it as is.
Lyrics
I hear your doing well, life is full of expectation
I see you've moved on, while I'm standing still
I wanna taste this bullet, I want to feel it slide across my tongue
I wanna clear my head, and see the world bathed in red
I wanna leave my body, feel light as a feather
Feel the weight fall from my limbs and be carried in the arms of seraphim
I stand here rooted by dead and sickly vines
That snake deep into this naked earth, and caress me with cryptic valentines
I wanna taste this bullet, I wanna feel it kiss my brow
I wanna close my eyes, and drift away from all of the lies
The Blood in Your Veins
Written in 2008
Written for another collection, but not used. I wanted the background to sound as if they were sung in a Church. The idea of this came from a book, or a movie... our bodies are not the same as when we were babies, and will be different when we are old. The point is that we can heal and be made new.
Lyrics
And the blood in your veins, isn't the blood you were born with (2x)
And the tears on my wrist have all but vanished
So, too the blue and purple violence can fade from your arms
And we can be clean and new
And vested with an innocence (or innocents) charms.
And the blood in your veins, isn't the blood you were born with (4x)
And the blood in your veins isn't, the blood you were born with (2x)
Your the pain in the center of my chest, and like Rome I'll burn to ashes
You were so young, and December never finds its May
You always liked girls better any way
Chorus
Bring Down the Heavens
Written September 2008
The Punisher: War Zone movie held a song contest to add an unsigned band to the soundtrack, this was my submission. I wanted it industrial, cold sounding. Everything was filtered through distortion, even the drums. It's tinny, stark, there are chants and off kilter guitars, a layer of feedback. Nothing is pretty in this guy's world. Though for a moment I pull back the distortion on the vocals, slow the tempo, this was the eye of the hurricane.
Lyrics
And I can't find a better place, a bitter taste, like ash and steel
And I can't find a better pain, a bitter truth, there's nothing left in me that's real
I will break my bones and be remade anew, I'll be forged in fire and blood, then set my eyes on you
Break it all, break it all, I'll brings down the heavens with my hand
Break it all, break it all, I'll bring down the heavens with my hands
I can't find a colder heart, a bitter memory, that's not poison for me
I can't find a colder silence, a bitter peace, there's no release
Baby is the Bullet
Written in December 2008
I was terrified of her poison, terrified of the trap - but she was insistent, try it, you'll like it, you don't have an addictive personality, you'll be fine. I wanted the guitar playing to be frantic, ill at ease, then settle into a quiet moment of calm, before the bang! bang! explosion of the chorus. I wanted to illustrate my fear and have it awash in a psychedelic atmosphere (I vocalized the bangs but was thinking more of using a sound effect had I access to one). Played with capo on 5th fret.
Lyrics
You say I don't posses that kind of poverty, and that the first kiss is free
And you can be like, you can be like me, finally look through my eyes and see all that I can see
Angel is the catalyst, just a drop and I don't exist
You're the author of change, authored all change, yet nothing touches you even when this shit gets strange
And I'm telling you I'm scared to death, cause all presence was drained when she sighed
It's another derangement of circumstance, she celebrates when my worlds collide
Baby is the bullet (3x)
Ah Ghra mo Chroi, why do you steal the breath from me, knowing all the pain that left you unborn, you still lead me straight through this path of blood stained thorn
Ah Ghra mo Chroi, I can't survive a loss of that degree, and you get so mad, get so impatient with me, when I won't play, won't play, won't play in your tangled tree
Chorus
Valentine
Written on August 3, 2008
The bullet is a shot of whisky, world in red is seeing with bloodshot eyes. It's about wanting to kill the pain with drink. The original recording featured full instruments from the beginning (drums, bass, guitars), I drew back each one, and gradually brought them in, bit by bit, which is why I say "guitar" at the start, that was my cue, to bring in that track, I was supposed to edit it out but kind of like it, so I kept it as is.
Lyrics
I hear your doing well, life is full of expectation
I see you've moved on, while I'm standing still
I wanna taste this bullet, I want to feel it slide across my tongue
I wanna clear my head, and see the world bathed in red
I wanna leave my body, feel light as a feather
Feel the weight fall from my limbs and be carried in the arms of seraphim
I stand here rooted by dead and sickly vines
That snake deep into this naked earth, and caress me with cryptic valentines
I wanna taste this bullet, I wanna feel it kiss my brow
I wanna close my eyes, and drift away from all of the lies
The Blood in Your Veins
Written in 2008
Written for another collection, but not used. I wanted the background to sound as if they were sung in a Church. The idea of this came from a book, or a movie... our bodies are not the same as when we were babies, and will be different when we are old. The point is that we can heal and be made new.
Lyrics
And the blood in your veins, isn't the blood you were born with (2x)
And the tears on my wrist have all but vanished
So, too the blue and purple violence can fade from your arms
And we can be clean and new
And vested with an innocence (or innocents) charms.
And the blood in your veins, isn't the blood you were born with (4x)
And the blood in your veins isn't, the blood you were born with (2x)
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