Last Gasp

These are my last songs - B.S. (Baby Suicide) was composed on October 13, 2013. I'm Not -my first attempt at making a video- was uploaded on June 20, 2013, written and recorded a few days before. There are two that come in between June 2014 and mid-2015. I do have some lyrical scribblings as late as 2016, but nothing completed.

I stopped writing because I was rehashing the same sad stories, I had nothing new to say. So, I packed up the 16-track recorder, laid the guitars in their cases, Troy gifted equipment to an in-law, and I called it a night. It was a hell of a ride while it lasted.

April's Fool
Written around 2011, but I struggled with the music for years, I tried folk, rock, and one that sounded a little like Tracy Chapman's "Fast Cars" - it was a long song, so I sped up the tempo but to no avail. I finally found this bluesy slow groove, and that was at least promising. The reason I hung in there with it, was that I adored the lyrics. I liked the storytelling, and how descriptive the opening verses were. I liked how it split in two, the first half tells of how they meet, and the second, set a year later (indicated by the ages in the opening line) tells of the end of the relationship.

Musically I like the first half, but for some reason, the second part lost some audial punch. But ah, well, it's a demo, and while I'd still like another crack at it, at least I have it saved, in some form. Note: The beatnik line was something I had, and tried out in several songs in the past, it suited this number quite well. "It Aint Me Babe" offers some neat foreshadowing, though it wasn't the original, in the folk version I had "Scarborough Fair" as the song she sang.

Lyrics
And April was 24 and I was 35, when I saw her playing guitar at this local dive
She sang "It Aint Me Babe" with an ache in her voice, that stole my breath away
So I asked April to stay

And she was so beatnik cool, in her black turtleneck sweater
And I'd been in darkness so long I didn't know any better
As her unguarded eyes reflected the light, from the glowing embers of a cigarette
I knew she'd be someone I'd never forget

And April was promise, and April was youth
She was the art and the music and the language that restored all my truth
And April laughed at these romantic notions, said you put too much faith in me
I can't save you, save you, or set you free

And I was April's fool, April's fool
And I would do anything just to hear her sing like she did that night (2x)
'Cause that's when April's fool fell at first sight

April was 25 and I was 36, and she was getting restless 'cause she'd seen all my tricks
And I've stared at this diamond ring for hours on end, desperate to write a new script
But I think I'm losing my grip

And I was falling harder, but resigned to my fate
There's a deepening silence between us, that I can't seem to translate
And April in winter grows anxious and says, I don't know how to get there from here
How can I make myself clear?

So April sits in the window and writes me a song, she sings her new lyrics that I've known all along
And her voice breaks as she hit the crescendo, and breathlessly finishes with a sigh
On the final, the final word "goodbye"

Chorus

And though I've been left behind, she still lingers in my mind

Chorus



Poisoned Friend

Written in October 2013? - there's an "All I Need" feel to it, the vocal build-up, the repeating of one sentence to the next in the first verse (this is everything I have). Delicate guitar work (with twin lead spots), pretty folk melody, going over familiar territory. Standard major chords dominate the verses, minors, the bridge. 

Lyrics

I offer all my love, I can't give you more than that

Because this is all I am, this is everything I have

This is everything I have, but it's not the thing you need

So you'll love that poisoned friend, until it causes you to bleed

I saw you at your best, and I loved you at your worst

I'd listen to your fears when you'd cry out in your sleep

My beloved I concede, I can't give you the peace you need

So, you'll love that poisoned friend, until it causes you to bleed

Emily, will it make you free

Or will it break you up until it breaks you down

Emily, what do you see

In those empty nights when you can't be found

And when we parted and fell into the in between

Became ghostly apparitions, only felt but never seen

This is all that's left of us, and no matter how much we plead

Oh, you'll love that poisoned friend, until it causes you to bleed

Yeah you'll love that poisoned friend, until it causes you to bleed

B.S. (Baby Suicide)

Written on October 19, 2013 - the title is a riff on Cotton Mather's "Baby Freeze Queen", catchy guitar, lyrics, same old same old. Reliving the nightmare, well written but no need for it and it's no wonder I pulled the plug.

Lyrics

Your razor sharp, and paper thin

You give it up before you begin

With silver tongue, you turn the trick

You break into a fever sweat, desperate, hungering and sick

There's no thrill left on this ride, though you searched for it high and wide

Searched for it high and wide, baby suicide

You say let me be, your heroine

But there's no saving anyone with treasures that break the skin

These golden days, have started to decay

Your rooms have all emptied there's no one left here to betray

Chorus

You say no one puts you on the shelf

You say no one gets hurt but yourself

But if that is true, why am I dying over you

Why am I dying over you, oh baby, baby, baby suicide

Your razor sharp, and paper thin

Your kisses burn, like heroin

Baby, baby suicide

Ophelia pt. 3
Yet another sad Ophelia song. Some of the lines in the lyrics come from an old Animal Man comic, written by Jeff Lemire. I was looking for random snippets of dialogue, to see if I could take that thread and go with it somewhere new. I had a stack of comics I was thumbing through when saw the line about the mother's farm in Sacramento. "You've seen all kinds of crazy things people do" also came from the Lemire book. The other superhero stuff was likely inspired by the same, and the idea of two people seeing in the other, more than they were, came from a real-life conversation. 

The lyrics also borrow from "April's Fool", which I was still fighting with. "Nonsensical rhyme" came from the film David and Lisa. The imagery about skipping rocks at the crick was inspired by a scene in the movie A Touch of Satan (which was featured on MST3K), as a joke, I thought I should close the bridge with, "And you tell me boy, this is where the fish live"

Lyrics

I thought you were invulnerable, Supergirl encased in shatterproof glass

You told me reality isn't what you are, it's what you seem to be 

I'm sorry maybe I got the wrong idea, when I spoke to you, I thought you were ideal

I thought you were the sword to my shield, I thought you could go, where I would yield

Oh oh Ophelia, oh oh Ophelia, oh oh Ophelia

You say I stole the breath from your lungs, the night you saw me singing Scarborough Fair

And you thought I was your man of steel, but I'm just as intangible as I am real

You tell me these past few days, you've seen all kinds of crazy things people do

So you speak in nonsensical rhymes to hide yourself from their crimes

Chorus

And so you drive us down to your mother's farm near Sacramento

Tell me you'll drown in the distractions buried there

And so you take my hand, and walk me to the crick where you skipped rocks as a child

And you tell me boy, this is where dreams die

Chorus

 

Baby What Is?

One of the last two songs I wrote. I packed up the Fostex in June 2016 and hadn't done anything with it in about a year. While there are no dates on the machine, looking at the order of things, I worked on a version of an older tune on Father's Day, June 15, 2014, that I shared with my family. After that are the last 2, no dates, but they would have had to have been recorded after the 15th. So sometime between late June 2014 to mid-year 2015. 

Musically it's the sound of an older man, playing it safe and no longer challenging himself. Lyrics cover an old subject too, all these years later and I'm still revisiting the past (her substance abuse, my clinical depression).

It's a pleasant-sounding number, but I didn't really go out in a blaze of glory with this or the next.

Lyrics

Every hurt leaves a scar when you try to, try to bury it deep

(You can't bury it deep enough)

And everywhere you turn, it turns you, turns you inside out

(It turns you outside in)

The bruises on our skin, are self-inflicted scorecards of our sin

You say it ain't fair, but baby what is, baby what is?

You say it ain't fair, but baby what is?

You turn to the needle when it gets, gets hard to be you

(It's always hard to be you)

And I search for your smile, when it gets, gets dark inside

(I'm always dark inside)

The bruises on our hearts, are proof of the cost, when we dared and lost

You say it ain't fair, but baby what is, baby what is?

You say it ain't fair, but baby what is?

How foolish to look for a savior, in someone who can't save themselves

Feeding off strength that isn't there, now baby is that fair?

Baby is that fair? Baby is that fair?

There's nowhere else to go, when you come, come up to the edge

(You're teetering on the edge)

Won't you follow me back, away, from this rabbit's hole

(We've lost too much of our soul)

The bruises on our eyes, have blinded us, to our comfortable lies

You say it ain't fair, but baby what is, baby what is?

I know this ain't fair, but baby what is? Baby what is? Baby what is?



A Love Song for Me Too
Written sometime between June 2014 to mid-2015 - lyrical rewrites on July 19, 2022

Looking at the order on the Fostex, this was recorded after "Baby What Is", that doesn't mean it was written after that one, I could have carried both of them around for a spell, before deciding to record - there's no way of knowing which one was written first. But this was the last original I ever recorded.

There were nice lines on the original, but it's like I Frankensteined them from 3 different songs - there was no connective tissue, and I'd be damned if my last song was going to be so sloppy. So, I dusted off my brain and got to work on rewrites, it was hard going, and I cussed myself out mightily, but after a few days and several passes, I got it down. Not saying it's my best, but the connective tissue is there.

Thankfully the original recording was still on the Fostex, the guitar and harmonica tracks were there so all I had to do is record new vocals, though my voice is shot these days, and what you hear was stitched together from several tracks. Note: Original lyrics in blue

Lyrics
And I have buried more tears in this guitar
In every song and on every stage both near and far
And I've engraved my life into each string
And all the souls I knew and loved are in every word I sing

So, forgive me this lament, it's only that I wonder why
And no, a song from pity wouldn't make me high
Yet in all that poetry you wrote, it still catches in my throat
That you had no room for a love song for me too (2x)

As I play a memory into focus
As I strum these chords, I swear I hear your voice again
You sang as autumn clouds began to swell
And my first lyrics to you, were born as raindrops fell

Chorus

And how odd, it is to recall, as I sift through the debris
How I loved you without caution
Never seeing how disconnected, I was from reality

Chorus



To Still the Beat of My Heart

This was written sometime after "I'm Not", maybe Sept or October 2013? with an eye toward making another video, which was never completed. It's about staying up late, crazy lyrics, with some truth in them (I really did step on a prescription bottle label, which stuck to my shoe) enjoyed the big beat drums, bass, harmonica, and the back-and-forth vocal exchange. 

Lyrics

It's 4 am, and I'm making up these words, off the top of my head 

And I'm lying on my bed, and I'm reading my prescription, from the bottom of my shoe 

And you don't know where I'm going, and you don't know what I do

And it's 4:05, and you're on a caffeine high

And I say hey, baby, baby, can you touch the sky

Cause the forecast is gloomy, and it doesn't look good for me

And there's one more thing that you can do to still the beat of my heart

And there's one more thing that you can do to make me sad

And that's to try and make me happy

And it's 4 O' ten, and I lost my place again, and I skip to the end

But the pages are missing, and there's a blind poet, who don't know who he's kissing

So he says hey, baby, baby, can I taste your tears

'Cause the forecast is sunny, and that's the sum of my fears

Chorus

I'm Not

Written on June 15, 2013

My first new song in about 2 years. I wanted to experiment with video making, so I wrote this special for the attempt. It's pretty rudimentary, I gathered up a lot of pictures on the net, used whatever FX they had, and added lyrics.