Track 18: The Persistence of Memory

The remaining songs from the Poet's Daughter CD, recorded in March and early April of 2009 - I like these tunes, though some of the playing is terribly sloppy. But I'll get to that in the writes up - The album is a mix of rock, and folk, and I even tried my hand at country.

Note: This is an album collection, just click play to hear them all, or scroll the sidebar to pick an individual track.



Are You Happier Now?
Written on January 5, 2007

I recorded this for the "Delirium" CD but just couldn't nail it then, so I scrapped it. Tried later at home in 2009. I think it's a great song, Delirium producer Wade said his wife liked it. 

Lyrics

What did you gain, what did you get?

What was the prize, I forget?

I thought I was seeing the real you

I had to cut deeper to get through

What was your plan, what was the reason anyhow?

And are you happier now, are you happy now, are you happier now?

You should be proud, take a bow when you succeed

Did it make you smile, to see me bleed

Pre-chorus / chorus

You're a seasoned pro, quite an accomplished act

You took a sad fellow lifted him high then broke his back

Lifted him high then broke his back

Chorus

Bad Penny
Written in June 2006
 

A 'cryin and dyin' country number that I wrote after my divorce came final. It was lost, then found, but I couldn't remember the melody, so I had to come up with that. It's musically similar to... something, either something I wrote or maybe something someone else penned. It feels familiar. Despite the pain of divorce, there's a bit of humor in the lyrics. I still have the original hand-written lyrics, with no chords noted, must have just recoded it from memory.

Lyrics

I'm living here in my brother's basement

I'm sharing a room with a cat

Got no job I was fired my last time at bat

I should probably get up and take a shower

But I don't see any good reason why

I'd rather lay here in bed and cry

You threw me away like I was a bad penny

You decided I wasn't worth the trials

You threw me away like I was a bad penny

And the hell of it is, you're better off my miles

I've been told that all I need is time

But my aging bones don't heal as fast

I break so much easier than I did in the past

No, and I don't know, I don't know, I don't know

I'm not sure if I'll ever find my footing

It's so sweet just closing my eyes and playing dead

Cause if I lift my lids, I'll be forced to see the fading thread

Chorus

Oh, baby baby, it's so calculated an end

I'm shocked at how easy it was torn asunder, crashing like thunder

Happy Ever After
Written in 2008

Little memory of this, a slight number, done for a laugh, one of my silly wishing songs. My playing, and the recording overall is sloppy.

Lyrics

Wish I could be that beautiful girl

Who turns your head and puts the shine on your pearl

And you would love me, and we'd live happy ever after

Wish I could have that beautiful face 

That makes you quiver in your most secret place

And you would want me, and we'd live happy ever after

But I can't break into the dream

I'm all alone, I'm all alone, I'm all alone

Oh, I can't find my happy ever after

I can't find my happy ever after... ever after

Honestly
Written on April 12, 2008

Treads on familiar territory, though it's more a story, while the others were tapping into emotion. Wry sarcastic humor here. I worked hard on the middle eight, the lines about alchemy and amethyst, there's poetry in those words. I kept messing up the guitar solo, but it gives an indication of where I wanted to go. Parts of the backing vocals in the verses don't mirror the primary vocals, they are saying another part of the story, as a kind of Greek chorus if I remember correctly, but those lines are lost, and I can't make out what I'm saying.

Lyrics

I sat here a million miles away

Trying to find just the right thing to say

An hour ago, we were doing so well

Never knowing it would soon go to hell

And now you're out there and you're out of my life

You became a stranger instead of my wife

And I hear you're doing great, that's great that's fine

I'm glad for you, honestly

Now everyone is telling me they knew

This was the path we were fated too

No no I'm just coming apart at the seams

Nothing sadder than a fool with his dreams

And here I was holding on for dear life

You became a stranger instead of my wife

And I hear you're doing great, that's great that's fine

I'm glad for you, honestly

And I'm caged in memory

Spellbound by your alchemy

Cast in candlelight and amethyst 

Yours was the precious smile I couldn't resist

I saw you one day with another guy

You looked so alive, I looked ready to die

I know I found what I was looking for

Cause I've never been right since you walked out that door

Chorus

Just Want to Play My Guitar
Written on September 7, 2005

I wasn't writing very much, nor picking up my guitar. I wrote this before leaving Nashville. It was during marriage counseling when I spoke about my disillusionment with the biz, I couldn't write because I lost what I loved about music - the therapist suggested that this was a good idea for s song, and she was right. The chords came pretty quick to me. The drums make it peppier than I wanted, but I like it. Solid lyrics, fun melody, nice Elvis reference at the end.

Lyrics

It's such a grind to try and read their mind

I'm so tired of wearing this mask

When did my joy become such a terrible task

I force a smile and press the flesh

Push until it leaves a scar

But all I ever wanted was to play my guitar

I don't want to hear no more about rhyme schemes and broken dreams

I don't want to hear no more from the L.A. suits with their perfumed words

Like sickly sweet scented prostitutes

My days are frantic fits, mailing press kits

Trying to sell my soul to that A&R

When all I ever wanted was to play my guitar

Chorus

And I don't want to be a superstar

Shooting out the TV in my solid gold car

When popping pills can only take you so far

I just want to play my guitar

Moment of Truth
Written on January 30, 2008

I was reading a local entertainment rag and they were reviewing a show called "A Moment of Truth", I didn't read the review, but the title struck me, and soon after I was humming the line and eventually wrote the song.

I like the lyrics though they never lead anywhere, they simply repeat the same mantra, "are you lying to me?" The music is country, overlong, I needed to cut it down (maybe one of the lead spots?) but I'm overall happy with it.

Lyrics

I watched from the sidelines, and saw the boy's struck blind

I bore witness as you pulled that string so deft and expertly

Did you do that to me, did you do that to me

Was my love an opportunity to seize, did you use it to bring me to my knees

I thought you meant every word, where you just spinning tales

To tip the scales, to tip the scales

This is your moment of truth; this is your time to come clean

All I ever wanted was your honesty

Can you give that to me, can you give that to me

Can you give me a moment, a moment of truth

Was every tear a seed, planted to distract me from the weeds

Was love only a word, a weapon, how I'd hate to believe

Every smile used to deceive; every smile used to deceive

Chorus

I've got nothing left inside, there's no place left for you to hide

And I've got no place where I can rest my weary eyes

Chorus

Elenore
Written in Jan/May 2002

This was based on the true story of an abused young girl, I can't recall where I saw it, but I was struck and saddened by the piece - she would stay up at night because that's when everyone was asleep and she could find peace, alone, with her music. 

I kept it minimal, the verses are all played in Am. The narrative was unusual, I wrote it from her perspective, first person - I injected my own thoughts, as a narrator in the chorus (and one line before). I had difficulty with the music and worked on it over several months. Some of the details have been lost over time, why I wrote what I wrote, and how they connected to the source material.

Lyrics

Sweet darkness, I'm safe in your womb

From familiar monsters who emerge from their tomb

Oh, sweet darkness I long for your embrace

Oh, sweet darkness, please show your face

I have withered away on the vine

The world is theirs, it's not mine

Day of atonement, I weaken in my resolve

Safe in my room, with my music I evolve

Stay up all night, afraid of the day (2x)

This then is what I saw of her pain

Oh, Elenore, why can't they love you, why can't they love you

Summon the daylight, summon the nightmare

The ones who should love me, are the ones who don't care

I'm too young to know how to cope

They gave me life but left me no hope

Outsiders Like Me
Written in March 2003

I wrote this in a Nashville club, probably the Bluebird, but maybe the Douglas Corner Cafe, while a couple seated in front of me, fawned over each other. I wanted to try and explore the storyteller aspects that were advocated by the local music biz. Nice tune, descriptive prose, maybe a bit much, too flowery, but hey, it was a first attempt at this style. I had too many lyrics for the second verse, so I had to alter the tempo and melody a shade.

Lyrics

Catch a glimpse of auburn hair, kissed gently by the moon's admiring light

Emerald eyes that steal my breath, rose petal lips that brush against the silken night

If you've held her softly in your arms, and felt the sky spin above your head

If envy drew blood cold and blue, because she's loving you in your dreams

But she's loving him in her bed

Tender words scrawled upon a beer-stained napkin

Penned while thick ropes of cigarette smoke cloud my view

Across the crowded bar, I watch as he cups his hand upon her cheek

Chorus

Out here, with fools at their shadow play

Inside, we're aching for the day

The outsiders like me, the outsiders like me (2x)

Chorus

Portland, November 2007
Written on April 3, 2008

Thematically similar to other songs on this blog. I like the descriptive lyrics, the lines about watching her sleep have double meaning (she once asked me to watch over her until she fell asleep + It speaks to me trying to hold onto every moment we had, to appreciate every second because I knew full well it was never going to last).

I liked the tune but I could never get the tempo right, it seemed to drag or lose its way no matter what I did (I was listening to a lot of Neutral Milk Hotel at the time and was inspired by that, I wanted something like that, but kept missing the mark) so as with "Guitar" above I grew frustrated and threw in a pop beat - that solved my tempo problem, but tonally was all wrong for the sober lyrics, an oil and water mix. Still, at the least, I now had a record of it.

Lyrics

She was the girl I can never forget

Inspiring the troubled tears I spill in regret

The smell of her still lingers on my fingertips

The taste of her still echos upon my fevered lips

She was the riddle I could never solve

So I shed my skin and I slowly dissolve

When the sound of her restless voice interrupts my sleep

I would stay up for hours and watch her dream... and watch her dream

The rise and fall of her breast as she took each gentle breath

Each ticking second, bringing something a kin to death, a kin to death

She was the expectation I could not afford to lose

I once gave up hope of rescue when there I found my muse

And when she fell, I feel right with her, in her shame

And when she broke my weary heart, I took all the blame... I took all the blame

The Persistence of Memory
Written on December 30, 2007 - Ironically, I have no memories to share - Am, Em chords, capo on the 3rd fret

Lyrics

I see your pretty face, haunting me every place I go

I can never be free, the persistence of memory

3 am Saturday and I'm starring at the ceiling

I'd like to block out, everything that I'm feeling

Tried to get out tonight, and find myself a new friend

Chorus

God knows I've tried to move on

Tried to accept that you are gone

But I can't find myself in another dream but this one

And I know that it's a fool's game, that has left me broken and lame

Huddle in ashes and going nowhere, as you move on without me

Chorus

Last Gasp

These are my last songs - B.S. (Baby Suicide) was composed on October 13, 2013. I'm Not -my first attempt at making a video- was uploaded on June 20, 2013, written and recorded a few days before. There are two that come in between June 2014 and mid-2015. I do have some lyrical scribblings as late as 2016, but nothing completed.

I stopped writing because I was rehashing the same sad stories, I had nothing new to say. So, I packed up the 16-track recorder, laid the guitars in their cases, Troy gifted equipment to an in-law, and I called it a night. It was a hell of a ride while it lasted.

April's Fool
Written around 2011, but I struggled with the music for years, I tried folk, rock, and one that sounded a little like Tracy Chapman's "Fast Cars" - it was a long song, so I sped up the tempo but to no avail. I finally found this bluesy slow groove, and that was at least promising. The reason I hung in there with it, was that I adored the lyrics. I liked the storytelling, and how descriptive the opening verses were. I liked how it split in two, the first half tells of how they meet, and the second, set a year later (indicated by the ages in the opening line) tells of the end of the relationship.

Musically I like the first half, but for some reason, the second part lost some audial punch. But ah, well, it's a demo, and while I'd still like another crack at it, at least I have it saved, in some form. Note: The beatnik line was something I had, and tried out in several songs in the past, it suited this number quite well. "It Aint Me Babe" offers some neat foreshadowing, though it wasn't the original, in the folk version I had "Scarborough Fair" as the song she sang.

Lyrics
And April was 24 and I was 35, when I saw her playing guitar at this local dive
She sang "It Aint Me Babe" with an ache in her voice, that stole my breath away
So I asked April to stay

And she was so beatnik cool, in her black turtleneck sweater
And I'd been in darkness so long I didn't know any better
As her unguarded eyes reflected the light, from the glowing embers of a cigarette
I knew she'd be someone I'd never forget

And April was promise, and April was youth
She was the art and the music and the language that restored all my truth
And April laughed at these romantic notions, said you put too much faith in me
I can't save you, save you, or set you free

And I was April's fool, April's fool
And I would do anything just to hear her sing like she did that night (2x)
'Cause that's when April's fool fell at first sight

April was 25 and I was 36, and she was getting restless 'cause she'd seen all my tricks
And I've stared at this diamond ring for hours on end, desperate to write a new script
But I think I'm losing my grip

And I was falling harder, but resigned to my fate
There's a deepening silence between us, that I can't seem to translate
And April in winter grows anxious and says, I don't know how to get there from here
How can I make myself clear?

So April sits in the window and writes me a song, she sings her new lyrics that I've known all along
And her voice breaks as she hit the crescendo, and breathlessly finishes with a sigh
On the final, the final word "goodbye"

Chorus

And though I've been left behind, she still lingers in my mind

Chorus



Poisoned Friend

Written in October 2013? - there's an "All I Need" feel to it, the vocal build-up, the repeating of one sentence to the next in the first verse (this is everything I have). Delicate guitar work (with twin lead spots), pretty folk melody, going over familiar territory. Standard major chords dominate the verses, minors, the bridge. 

Lyrics

I offer all my love, I can't give you more than that

Because this is all I am, this is everything I have

This is everything I have, but it's not the thing you need

So you'll love that poisoned friend, until it causes you to bleed

I saw you at your best, and I loved you at your worst

I'd listen to your fears when you'd cry out in your sleep

My beloved I concede, I can't give you the peace you need

So, you'll love that poisoned friend, until it causes you to bleed

Emily, will it make you free

Or will it break you up until it breaks you down

Emily, what do you see

In those empty nights when you can't be found

And when we parted and fell into the in between

Became ghostly apparitions, only felt but never seen

This is all that's left of us, and no matter how much we plead

Oh, you'll love that poisoned friend, until it causes you to bleed

Yeah you'll love that poisoned friend, until it causes you to bleed

B.S. (Baby Suicide)

Written on October 19, 2013 - the title is a riff on Cotton Mather's "Baby Freeze Queen", catchy guitar, lyrics, same old same old. Reliving the nightmare, well written but no need for it and it's no wonder I pulled the plug.

Lyrics

Your razor sharp, and paper thin

You give it up before you begin

With silver tongue, you turn the trick

You break into a fever sweat, desperate, hungering and sick

There's no thrill left on this ride, though you searched for it high and wide

Searched for it high and wide, baby suicide

You say let me be, your heroine

But there's no saving anyone with treasures that break the skin

These golden days, have started to decay

Your rooms have all emptied there's no one left here to betray

Chorus

You say no one puts you on the shelf

You say no one gets hurt but yourself

But if that is true, why am I dying over you

Why am I dying over you, oh baby, baby, baby suicide

Your razor sharp, and paper thin

Your kisses burn, like heroin

Baby, baby suicide

Ophelia pt. 3
Yet another sad Ophelia song. Some of the lines in the lyrics come from an old Animal Man comic, written by Jeff Lemire. I was looking for random snippets of dialogue, to see if I could take that thread and go with it somewhere new. I had a stack of comics I was thumbing through when saw the line about the mother's farm in Sacramento. "You've seen all kinds of crazy things people do" also came from the Lemire book. The other superhero stuff was likely inspired by the same, and the idea of two people seeing in the other, more than they were, came from a real-life conversation. 

The lyrics also borrow from "April's Fool", which I was still fighting with. "Nonsensical rhyme" came from the film David and Lisa. The imagery about skipping rocks at the crick was inspired by a scene in the movie A Touch of Satan (which was featured on MST3K), as a joke, I thought I should close the bridge with, "And you tell me boy, this is where the fish live"

Lyrics

I thought you were invulnerable, Supergirl encased in shatterproof glass

You told me reality isn't what you are, it's what you seem to be 

I'm sorry maybe I got the wrong idea, when I spoke to you, I thought you were ideal

I thought you were the sword to my shield, I thought you could go, where I would yield

Oh oh Ophelia, oh oh Ophelia, oh oh Ophelia

You say I stole the breath from your lungs, the night you saw me singing Scarborough Fair

And you thought I was your man of steel, but I'm just as intangible as I am real

You tell me these past few days, you've seen all kinds of crazy things people do

So you speak in nonsensical rhymes to hide yourself from their crimes

Chorus

And so you drive us down to your mother's farm near Sacramento

Tell me you'll drown in the distractions buried there

And so you take my hand, and walk me to the crick where you skipped rocks as a child

And you tell me boy, this is where dreams die

Chorus

 

Baby What Is?

One of the last two songs I wrote. I packed up the Fostex in June 2016 and hadn't done anything with it in about a year. While there are no dates on the machine, looking at the order of things, I worked on a version of an older tune on Father's Day, June 15, 2014, that I shared with my family. After that are the last 2, no dates, but they would have had to have been recorded after the 15th. So sometime between late June 2014 to mid-year 2015. 

Musically it's the sound of an older man, playing it safe and no longer challenging himself. Lyrics cover an old subject too, all these years later and I'm still revisiting the past (her substance abuse, my clinical depression).

It's a pleasant-sounding number, but I didn't really go out in a blaze of glory with this or the next.

Lyrics

Every hurt leaves a scar when you try to, try to bury it deep

(You can't bury it deep enough)

And everywhere you turn, it turns you, turns you inside out

(It turns you outside in)

The bruises on our skin, are self-inflicted scorecards of our sin

You say it ain't fair, but baby what is, baby what is?

You say it ain't fair, but baby what is?

You turn to the needle when it gets, gets hard to be you

(It's always hard to be you)

And I search for your smile, when it gets, gets dark inside

(I'm always dark inside)

The bruises on our hearts, are proof of the cost, when we dared and lost

You say it ain't fair, but baby what is, baby what is?

You say it ain't fair, but baby what is?

How foolish to look for a savior, in someone who can't save themselves

Feeding off strength that isn't there, now baby is that fair?

Baby is that fair? Baby is that fair?

There's nowhere else to go, when you come, come up to the edge

(You're teetering on the edge)

Won't you follow me back, away, from this rabbit's hole

(We've lost too much of our soul)

The bruises on our eyes, have blinded us, to our comfortable lies

You say it ain't fair, but baby what is, baby what is?

I know this ain't fair, but baby what is? Baby what is? Baby what is?



A Love Song for Me Too
Written sometime between June 2014 to mid-2015 - lyrical rewrites on July 19, 2022

Looking at the order on the Fostex, this was recorded after "Baby What Is", that doesn't mean it was written after that one, I could have carried both of them around for a spell, before deciding to record - there's no way of knowing which one was written first. But this was the last original I ever recorded.

There were nice lines on the original, but it's like I Frankensteined them from 3 different songs - there was no connective tissue, and I'd be damned if my last song was going to be so sloppy. So, I dusted off my brain and got to work on rewrites, it was hard going, and I cussed myself out mightily, but after a few days and several passes, I got it down. Not saying it's my best, but the connective tissue is there.

Thankfully the original recording was still on the Fostex, the guitar and harmonica tracks were there so all I had to do is record new vocals, though my voice is shot these days, and what you hear was stitched together from several tracks. Note: Original lyrics in blue

Lyrics
And I have buried more tears in this guitar
In every song and on every stage both near and far
And I've engraved my life into each string
And all the souls I knew and loved are in every word I sing

So, forgive me this lament, it's only that I wonder why
And no, a song from pity wouldn't make me high
Yet in all that poetry you wrote, it still catches in my throat
That you had no room for a love song for me too (2x)

As I play a memory into focus
As I strum these chords, I swear I hear your voice again
You sang as autumn clouds began to swell
And my first lyrics to you, were born as raindrops fell

Chorus

And how odd, it is to recall, as I sift through the debris
How I loved you without caution
Never seeing how disconnected, I was from reality

Chorus



To Still the Beat of My Heart

This was written sometime after "I'm Not", maybe Sept or October 2013? with an eye toward making another video, which was never completed. It's about staying up late, crazy lyrics, with some truth in them (I really did step on a prescription bottle label, which stuck to my shoe) enjoyed the big beat drums, bass, harmonica, and the back-and-forth vocal exchange. 

Lyrics

It's 4 am, and I'm making up these words, off the top of my head 

And I'm lying on my bed, and I'm reading my prescription, from the bottom of my shoe 

And you don't know where I'm going, and you don't know what I do

And it's 4:05, and you're on a caffeine high

And I say hey, baby, baby, can you touch the sky

Cause the forecast is gloomy, and it doesn't look good for me

And there's one more thing that you can do to still the beat of my heart

And there's one more thing that you can do to make me sad

And that's to try and make me happy

And it's 4 O' ten, and I lost my place again, and I skip to the end

But the pages are missing, and there's a blind poet, who don't know who he's kissing

So he says hey, baby, baby, can I taste your tears

'Cause the forecast is sunny, and that's the sum of my fears

Chorus

I'm Not

Written on June 15, 2013

My first new song in about 2 years. I wanted to experiment with video making, so I wrote this special for the attempt. It's pretty rudimentary, I gathered up a lot of pictures on the net, used whatever FX they had, and added lyrics.

The Embryo Files: 1981-85

Last group, mostly ballads - other surviving songs from this time period... Wendy (on Wednesday's Child page), The Window (on Wednesday Again page), and Whisper Goodbye (which is sappy crap I won't be sharing)

Modern Girl
Written in 1981
Another discovery on a cassette. This cool, catchy tune sounds a bit like the 1965 era Beatles. The words are sometimes confusing, it's about a naive girl who thinks she knows it all, but -as I often did in songs from that period- there are lines that contradict the theme. The lyric about "microscopic vision" would indicate that she closely examines all the fine points and isn't naive at all. I probably kept it in because I liked the sound of it - hell, I should have just made it a positive - she's modern, talented and wise. 

In recording it, I played it a shade slower than I used to. 

Lyrics - Words in red indicate how I'd rewrite it today
She knows where she's going, she knows where she's been

She's thoroughly modern, though her parents think it's a sin

She hears the words, but she doesn't understand their meaning (and digs deep into their meaning)

She's a modern girl, in a modern world, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

She sees things in microscopic vision, she's open to any fad (and isn't easily had)

She'll take in any new ideas, and doesn't stop to wonder if she's been had (but isn't dazzled by the fad)

Chorus

She believes all their stories, acts liberal but is so naive 

This girl should read between the lines, cause she's so easy to deceive

(She has talent and perception; she has beauty in her soul

She's comfortable in her skin, she's playfully in control)

 

My Heart Goes Out
Written in 1981

A lot of my early songs have either been forgotten, or were garbage and needed forgetting, but this was not a bad number. With a straightforward C-F-G chord progression, it's not in any way groundbreaking in any way, but it's one that stayed with me. Who was it written for? In 1981, Julie maybe? Or maybe it was just me pulling from my imagination and this was a made-up scenario.

Voice was too hot at the end; don't know why I didn't catch that.

Lyrics

I know, what you're saying

I know the rules of the game you're playing

But I love you, I need you

My heart goes out

I know, you think you need him

But I've seen you try to hold back the hurt

He can't love you, like I love you

My heart goes out

Can't you see, love doesn't have to bring sadness

Look my way and together we can get through all this madness  

We could survive, just don't deny

My heart goes out

Repeat first verse 

 

Julie
Written in 1981

A minor number riddled with cliches, but I was still a baby songwriter, so these things happen. The 'cards' line came from my father when I cried on his shoulder the night I threw in the towel.

Lyrics

I see you every day, it's getting so, that I can't push the hurt away

On the outside I smile, but I'm dying inside, and there's no place I can hide

I've waited so long, for something right, cause everything else felt wrong

When I saw you, I sensed that these feelings were unique, but of love I can't speak

Julie, you've got yourself another, but I still wonder if we could have been one

Julie, I knew the cards were stacked against me, but I just couldn't fight what felt so right

Can't you see

The changes you brought in me were apparent from the start

From the first moment I laid eyes on you I'd already given away my heart

Our Love
Written in 1982

Hmm, why did I write this, who was I seeing, Min, maybe? Or maybe it was just some random idea that came to me (sure wish I'd have started a song diary from day 1). A nice sounding folk tune, nonetheless, all in major chords.

Lyrics
If you never needed my love, then why'd you call me over here

What is it that you fear, it's not a crime, to want me near

If our love was all a lie, why do you sit and cry

You said you wanted to spread your wings and fly, but you can't deny

Yes, I've heard the old saying

Better to have lost at love than never to have loved at all

But you were too busy playing, to be prepared for the fall

You say it was all a mistake, we were too lost in ourselves

But I thought we gave more than we'd take, and for me that wasn't something to forsake

Still, you turn away, tell me you've got nothing to say

But one cold lonely night you'll learn

How the emptiness can burn



Angel
Written in 1984

I wrote this at age 23. I ached for this perfect love but could never find it. This was idealized, saccharine and youthful romanticism with a pleasant melody. I could never find the right word to close the 4th verse - a woman named Jenny Green, who was a college mate of our sometimes bassist, came in to sing during a rehearsal, and she came up with the word "paradise", I liked that and I kept it in.

Lyrics

Perhaps I'd really fallen when I first saw your eyes

A tug of the heart silently calling a look to mesmerize

Promised myself long ago not to set myself up for the fall

But obsessions you put in me, your always in my mind

And in my dreams, I'm calling

Angel, can you hear my heart

Cause I can't take this pace much longer

Angel, what more can I do

Cause I keep falling, I keep falling for you

Perhaps I'd really fallen when I first saw your smile

So please don't you leave me, won't you stay for a while

I would take your hand and lead you tenderly

To a faraway place in our hearts

a world all our own, paradise

Chorus (2x)    

The "Marry Me" Song

Written in 1985

This was missing for over 25 years and existed only in my memory. The creation date is speculative, it could have been '84 to '86, but '85 feels right to me. I finally found it on an old cassette, and while there was a lot of hiss, I could make it out, and after some difficulty, I was able to recreate the notes (I had the guitar tuned to a low D and was playing it 2-string -Blackbird- style).

It was nice hearing it, and our playful banter, again... while she said no to the proposal, she wanted me to record it. So, on the tape I introduce the song by dedicating it to the most beautiful and talented woman in the world, etc, etc.... she calls me a bullshitter, so after a pause, I say "Stevie Nicks", and then broke into the Log Cabin syrup jingle, which made her laugh and laugh. I start again, only she does the introduction this time, the song had no title, but she gives it one on the spot... "The "Marry Me" Song". Hearing that, and rediscovering the song really hit my heart, and made me smile.

Lyrics 

I caress your cheek, smell the fragrance in your hair

You don't have to speak, to let me know you care

I pull you close, taste your lips

I long for your embrace, no distance can erase, the love I have for you

Oh, and I don't need the moonlight, or the stars above

And words can only cage, the meaning of our love

When you say you love me, I know it's true

I can see it in your eyes, and I can feel the warmth in you

Oh, and I could speak for hours, and never could convey

The emptiness I feel when you're away

We will love, forever, this I see

I want you in my life, oh, Brenda, won't you marry me

I Only Want to Be with You

Written in 1985

This was discovered on the same tape as "The "Marry Me" Song", unfinished, sounding like something from the 60s, simple, but I liked what I heard and decided to finish it. I don't know what my original intent was, but I whipped up a quick story song about a guy who can't find the right words to tell a gal that he loves her, at the end, it's her who reveals her love. There's an old-fashioned sweetness to it that I like (especially when I'm usually such a pessimist)

Lyrics

When I look in your eyes, Oh I find such sweet surprise

Cause I only want to be with you

All the rhymes I avoid, curse the cliches I've employed

Trying to find ways just to be with you

All the words hung up on my tongue, all the stupid songs I've sung

Trying to impress you, I only depress you, with what a stumbling fool I am

What my clumsy lips and silly quips, are trying to let slip

Is that I only want to be with you

When I look in your eyes, Oh I find such sweet surprise

Cause I only want to be with you

All the words hung up on my tongue, all the stupid songs I've sung

Trying to impress you, I've only depressed you, with what a stumbling fool I am

In the midst of defeat, you take my hand and smile so sweet

And you tell me you only want to be, you tell me you only want to be

You tell me you only want to be with me

The Embryo Files: 1980

This is the 2nd blog post dedicated to first songs - other surviving tunes from 1980 - out of the hundreds written during this early time period... Carbon Copy Life, And You (can be found on Grace), Sonja (on Wednesday's Child), One Dark Night (on Wednesday Again), and Atomic Man & Bullet Sweet (not recorded)

One lost number I recall, was "Cold Mush". Though I played it a lot back then, I have no idea what it sounded like, and the lyrics have long disappeared. But a dumb title like that, you don't forget.

The Mutant Force
Written in 1980, updated on May 11, 2009

I've lost the original lyrics - but I remembered the chorus and the basic idea of the song, which was inspired by the novel "The Chrysalids" by John Wyndham, in which village children have to hide their mutations for fear of banishment, sterilization or death. I created Firefly, a woman whose eyes glow when she's happy, because I thought, "how you could conceal such a thing?" and how sad to have to hide your joy or love for fear of persecution. 

Terms? Force is not a military force, but a gathering of voices, a statement of empowerment. Though the novel offers a conflicting message of peace and force. I also like taking words used as insults and claiming them, making them yours as a positive (geek, freak, whatever)

I added multiple vocals at the end, later, after I had wrapped up and mixed it once - I used about 20 tracks for that. I played the opening chords high on the neck, the D for example, on the 10th fret, rather than the second, and didn't bar them, or use the bass notes.

Lyrics

Don't fret, my little firefly, don't hide your light, don't waste a sigh

The ones who hid are out tonight, so take wing firefly, join the fight

You're a freak, and that's okay, I'm a freak too, so let's go out and play

We are the mutant force, we are the mutant force

We are the mutant force, let truth, guide your course

This age of fear, this time of pretending

Celebrate the beginning, celebrate the ending

All the love I see in your glowing eyes, little firefly, don't you realize

You're a freak, and you're beautiful that way

And I'm a freak too, so let's go out and play

We are the mutant force, we are the mutant force

We are the mutant force, let truth, guide your course

Firefly don't be afraid anymore, not when they paint the scarlet letter on your door.

Don't you flee, be proud of what you see in the mirror, can it be any clearer

You are the mutant force, you are the mutant force

You are the mutant force, and let truth, guide your course

Lifeblood
Originally written in Dec 1980, updated August 12, 2009

I'd found the "Embro Files", my old song folder, in storage - most of the tunes were in a word, bad. But I managed to find a few worthy of a closer look. This one was labeled, "written in memory of John Lennon" and while the lyrics were pedestrian, the idea was sound. 

I changed the chorus completely and polished up the words... which gave me some pushback. I can get so gloomy and pessimistic, and this was about keeping your head up, holding on to hope and imagination - whenever I'd drift into the darkness I think, nope, steer it back, honor the memory.

Lyrics

Close your eyes and you can't see

All the wondrous possibility

And know that while you shed tears for yesterday

You became too preoccupied to see today

Because I'm as guilty when things go bad

And life has taken all I've had

It's all I can do not to quit  

And watch the world pass by where I sit

Belief and imagination

That's the spark that ignites the engine

Hope peace and love

That's the cup of my salvation

When you suffer the sting of loss

And life leaves you hanging on the cross

don't let your feet get tangled in what might have been

Let's sing about what can be   

The Night This Town Died
Originally written in 1980, updated August 12, 2009

Was it Martin Mull who did a bit about the last news broadcast? Some comedians' bit inspired this, I took that funny idea and ran with it. The updates cleaned up some of the trite rhymes, and were a little cleverer, the democrats now eat their own exhaust, rather than "pay the ultimate cost". I also added lines about hope being odorless and changed the knife at the end to a butter knife, it softens the violence (especially following the dark opening lines in that verse) and was more absurd and suitable to the tone of the track. 

One memory - we had a friend, Gene McDuffie, who thought this was pretty funny. He got a laugh out of the 'melting hair' line.

Lyrics

The end

Well, I heard it on the news at six

Everybody's fooled everyone with each other's tricks

In Washington, the republican's lost

The democrats ate their own exhaust

She then looks us in the eye and say's

Today at 4, everyone in the world was found dead

Ah ha ha ha ha ha

The weather today was mostly fair

It's 200 degrees it'll melt your hair

There's a hole in the ozone on the waterfront

And in sports, the Lions decided to punt

She then turns and straightens her dress

Says that science has proven that hope is odorless

Ah ha ha ha ha ha

And this town is on a roll, we never had this much fun

This town is a sewer hole, were all looking out for number one

Oh, woe, the night this town... oh woe, the night this town died

The Earth is moving closer to the sun

And today's good word is "get your gun"

'Cause an extra hole in the head's better than being fried

And there's no safe place for you to hide

She then smiles and pulls out a butter knife

Says it's better this way, cause this ain't no life

Ah ha ha ha ha ha

Chorus

Rain
Written by Troy & Shawn D

An early collaboration with my brother, who wrote the pretty music, which, with the harmonies, is the strength of the number. Did he contribute to the words, or are those all mine? (The lyric and tab sheet gave me sole credit on those). So yeah, it's pretty trite (crying in the rain, had been overdone), it also has no personal connection story wise on my end. Note: Troy had a nice, delicate lead spot he played, but I couldn't remember what it sounded like, though somewhere there must be a tape with it.

Lyrics

Cast me down before I fall, here my cries but do not call

I don't want to hurt you anymore

I've got lost feelings to discover, can't spend no time with my lover

I have tried to run when I could not walk

Please don't say hello or goodbye     

I know this love will never die

But it's time I leave before, I cause more pain

And I'll hide my tears in the rain

It's not something you have done to make me leave

Girl this you must believe, there are things I just don't understand

So I will leave but I'll return if the sorrow should start to burn

But for now, there are some things I must find

 

Dear Joan
Written in 1980

Just a light, empty piece, that puts a spin on the Dear John letter. It's catchy, I like listening to it even if it is just a trifle.

Lyrics

Where do I go dear, what can I say?

I know you find laughing at me brightens up your day

There's nobody here Joan, no gossip to share

You threw it all out the window, and there's no one around to care

What can we do about it, if fate played its hand?

You said you tasted all the world had to offer and still found it bland

What about true love, you said it played too rough

You said that you'd seen it all but what you'd seen ain't nearly enough

This isn't goodbye, Joan, only so long

I've run off with the milkmaid and I don't know how long I'll be gone

Yours truly John 

The Embryo Files: 1978 - 1979

Some time, at around age 11, my aunt Karen (father's side of the family), gives me a Vee-Jay single - Please, Please Me on side A, From Me to You on the flip, by The Beatles, and that changed everything, from then on it became my mission to make music.

I'm between 13 to 15 when I get my first guitar, a Washburn, this too comes from Karen, with a little nudging from her mother, Delores (I believe it was to be sold at a yard sale). And at age 16 I write my first song.

In High School, I join my brother's band, and full of zeal I just took over, and give the band a name.

Embryo

I even design unique lettering and create a logo for T-shirts and drum. The line-up was me on vocals and rhythm guitar, Troy D on lead and backing vox, Mike F on Bass, and Bob J on drums. The first time we played to an audience, was at a Junior High School graduation concert in '79. I was 18

So that was my journey, and here are the first songs I wrote, that survived. They're not amazing, and the recordings are weak, but they're where it all began



And if I Should Be Alone

Written in 1978

The first song I wrote was a simplistic Beatlesque little ditty that is catchy and naïve. It would be nice to have a time machine, to go back and see the process, I have no memory of what finally gave me the push to go from doing covers to creating originals, but I do remember my parents humming the tune around the house, and the surprise when they discovered their son had penned the thing.

Lyrics

And if I should be alone, all I have to do is pick up the phone

Cause I know, you'll be there

Who am I without you, I can't make it until we are two

Cause you know, I need you

Our love is right

I need you every night

Do you need me

Or is this too good to let it be



Kelly's Song

Written in 1978

I believe this was my second attempt at a song, and despite the simplicity musically, and lyrically, an improvement. It took me a while to finish it, the last verse was written a year later. I'm tapping into my real life, writing about a real person rather than an abstraction... though it's a fictionalized reality, written by a dumb, naive kid with an infatuation (I didn't really even know her. Looking at a school yearbook, I see she was involved with sports, I wasn't aware of that back then. Heck, I didn't even spell her name correctly, it was Kellie). But the thing I liked about her was that she was kind, she'd talk to you like you were a human being. I was a nerd, a sensitive artist type, and not one of the cool kids, but unlike others, she didn't treat me like I was gum on the bottom of her shoe, she talked to me like I had value, and that's what made her beautiful, that's why I wrote a song dedicated to her.

This was played during that graduation show, the first original to be heard by a large audience.

Lyrics

I watch you from a distance, with love in my heart

And knowing someone else has you, it's tearing me apart

But acting like a fool won't bring you closer me

Guess I'll always be too blind to see

Too shy to say hello, and I'm too shy to speak of love

So I guess I'll always be, the fool, falling flat on my back

Is it love that I feel, is it love that is real

When I see you again, I know that I'm sure

That I want you now like I wanted you then

And you know, that my feeling are quite pure

And I dream of you, from time to time

And I write you songs that strain to rhyme

And though my love is strong and true

It's never been revealed to you



If We Try

Written in 1979

Another I found it buried in an old cassette, I still have the original paper, handwritten lyrics with tabs, the title was "Song of a Steril Vision", lord my pretensions. This one I have a vague recollection of, and it's another with pleasant hooks, standard chord arrangements, and cornball lyrics, but I can see I'm trying to push myself there (though I became a better wordsmith, I never shed the melodrama).

Lyrics

No, I haven't seen it all, and I don't claim control

Over things that I don't know

But I can see your passion, in every fashion

And I believe in me and you

So don't deny it, and don't crucify it.

Cause you can believe my feelings are real

Don't say it can't work, don't turn on the red alert

All you need do is give it a chance

Now I don't deny, I'm not the perfect guy

But love can grow if we try

So don't leave me in the cold, don't let this love fold

What you need is someone dear to hold



All I know

Written in 1979

A love song that touches on my naivety, and that I was a quiet person, who kept to himself (though sometimes I make it sound like I'm from outer space... "Feelings hard to understand"? but maybe that is how teenagers feel. There's also the comedic melodrama -the line about leaving the womb). 

This, and the first two tracks I recorded simply, as acoustic numbers in late June, and early July 2022, I'm in my 60s and my voice is weakening, but I tried to get it in shape enough for these, my first recordings in over 6 years. 

Lyrics

I used to stay away, closed up in my room

Found it hard enough, separating from the womb

I tried to find meaning in songs, their stories held so true

But I never really understood until I opened my life to you

I used to be alone, and I thought I liked my style

But I realized I was wrong when I saw your smile

It's funny but I never found love before

The insecurities always left me a bit unsure

Now all I know is loving you

All I believe in is a love that is true

All I need is your tender touch

And the memories that I cherish so much

These feelings are strange to me and hard to understand

You helped me to cope, you let me hold your hand

At times I find it hard to express when words get in my way

So I'll leave it for you to comprehend when I say

Chorus



Babylon

Written 1979, final version done in 1999

Should I include this among the songs written in this time frame? I worked on this for years but never could get it where I wanted it. I had the chorus rolling around in my head, but didn't know what to do with it, until I met a really chatty girl, who could just talk and talk forever, so that became this comedy, played for laughs... and it did receive those when I'd play it, so I guess it did the job. Is it mean? Maybe but the intention was playful. Recorded at a studio in Yakima on October 26, 2000

Lyrics

Wouldn't you know it, yeah I should have been aware

But her eyes caught me off guard

Oh, and then there was the color of her hair

As for conversation, more like a freight train

A one-sided monologue, her voice was the hammer

And the anvil, my brain

She babbled on and on and on and on

And I can't get a word in...

On and on and on and on

And I can't get a word in edgewise.

Can you hear it, like a band saw

Or the crunch, crunch, crunch of a locust horde

Didn't see it coming, no I was knocked comatose

By the flash of her smile

But soon I was cast adrift, a man overboard

Chorus

Don't get me wrong, I like a woman with a mind

No, I don't mind a little light chatter

But her tongue is like a sword and it's my head on the platter

Chorus

Don't get me wrong...

Surviving Songs from 1978 to 1985
1978: And If I Should Be Alone, Kelly's Song 
1979: If We Try, All I Know, Babylon 

1980: Rain, Dear Joan, Lifeblood, The Night This Town Died, The Mutant Force, Carbon Copy Life, And You (on Grace), Sonja (on Wednesday's Child), One Dark Night (On Wednesday Again), Atomic Man, and Bullet Sweet (not recorded)

1981: Modern Girl, My Heart Goes Out, Julie 

1982: Wendy (on Wednesday's Child), Our Love 
1983: The Window (On Wednesday Again), Whisper Goodbye (crap)

1984: Angel 

1985: The Marry Me Song, I Only Want to Be with You 

"Grace"

I don't talk about this project a lot - for one, I worry that my lyrics are too sanctimonious + performance-wise it was our first foray in a studio situation, and I was a bundle of nerves, uptight and conscious that time was money and I needed to get it right and get it right immediately. So, I'm either playing too fast, with too much energy, or playing and singing too sedately, in an effort to calm myself.

On the positives, there are some pretty melodies and harmonies + it's the only CD record of my brother and I singing and playing together. And that's a big deal for me. (and man, I wish you could have heard us cover "The Sound of Silence" it was killer, the harmonies so tight, a real crowd pleaser)

Recorded by Mike Bruce (who I knew from Ted Brown Music) at Grace Episcopal Church in Ellensburg, WA over the course of 2 nights. I used the Suzuki 3S on the first night and was not happy with the sound, it had no action, was hard to play (where you hear strings squeak, that's the Suzuki) it was a big guitar with a big sound that blew out the mics or overwhelmed my brothers playing. So, the next day I bought the Ovation that I use to this day. 

It was very simple, almost a live recording, with a max of 2 or 3 backing tracks. I drew and designed the cover art, I didn't understand 'full bleed', as the cross was supposed to go to the very end of the cover. I drew it with colored pencil and ink, to look a little like stained glass.

Special thanks to Central Lutheran, who allowed us to put on a concert and pre-sell the CD, which gave us the means to complete the project. Such beautiful people I knew there, such gracious hearts and souls.



Grace
Written by Shawn D in 1997

Pretty song, and when listening to it today, I am impressed with how beautifully the harmonies blend together. Troy was disciplined and exacting and musically, gentler. Which countered my impulsive, impatient emotional side. He kept things tight and professional, but it was a great mix and I wish we could have written and recorded in the studio more often. Nerves from this being the first time recording with an engineer, caused us to constantly mess up; and my guitar playing is too hyper at the start, a problem that would plague me throughout these sessions. Still, this short piece is the jewel of the collection

Lyrics
I don't know how you could have died for me
I can't say I'd have the courage to do the same
I've been trying, but I always fail
So, I've been crying, for grace to prevail

I don't know how to earn his favor
But he says be still, you have my love
He says be still, you have my love



The Stewardship Song
Written by Shawn D in November 1997

A preachy popper I wrote to promote a stewardship event at the Church. It lacks emotional punch, is too mannered, probably due to me trying to reign in my nerves and play and sing calmly and carefully. Troy did the lead spots and the tambourine.

Lyrics
There's no way, I can stand, carrying the world on my own

There's one way, I can stand, with Jesus I'm never alone

Freely you receive, so freely give (2x)

There's no way, I can stand, carrying the weight of the world on my own

There's one way, Jesus said, with my brothers and sisters I'm never alone

Freely you receive, so freely give (2x)

God has blessed us with many gifts, not to hoard but to share

God has blessed us, with many gifts, to use in Jesus name, with loving care

There's one way, Jesus said, share your gifts and your never alone, never alone

Bouquet
Written by Shawn D in 1998

Inspired by the writings of Francis De Sales. The guitar riff was sharp, I like the star-step sound of it, (something I'd later employ on Sap) - the twin guitars and harmonies make this one the better numbers on the CD. 

Lyrics
God knows and I can't hide, so it's with a humble a heart that I confide
Tried to cover up his eyes on the crucifix
But the wounds convicted me of all I've denied

Jesus holds out his pierced hands and says

This is the cost of love

Just as wherever birds fly, they encounter the air

So also, wherever we go, or wherever we are

We'll find God there

I carry this reminder in all I do and say

I carry this bouquet with me throughout the day

Oh yeah, I breath in your sweet love, I behold

The wonders of your creation and find comfort

Knowing you are there

Jesus stands at the narrow gate and says

Enter all who know my love

Jesus holds out his pierced hands and says

This is the cost of love, this is the cost of love

This is the cost of love

Bread and the Wine
Written by Shawn D in 1997

This is the number that got me writing again. My Church would have people share their talents during summer services, so I thought I'd write a song. The chord structure and lyrics are basic, it's a middle-of-the-road number, though my father loved it, and it did put me back on the songwriting saddle again. 

Lyrics
I felt Jesus with me, in the bread and the wine

I felt Jesus lift me high, in the bread and the wine

My heart soared with his love, soared so high

Then I remembered how he suffered, and it made me cry

I remember the scourging and the crown of thorns

I remember the cross he carried for my sings

And my broken heart, mourns

I felt myself remade anew, in the bread and the wine

I felt the weight of death lift off of me, in the bread and the wine

I'll do this in memory of my savior, I'll take the bread and the wine

I'll give him all the worship and praise he's due

And I'll never forget

I remember the betrayal hidden within a kiss

Denial spilling for Peter's lips

And I'll hold tightly onto the joy

When I remember how death could no conquer or destroy

Jesus is alive and with me, in the bread and the wine

My Holy Lord communes with me, in the bread, the wine



One Day
Written by Shawn D in 1998

It's kind of Buddy Holly on God. As with The Stewardship Song, it's far too mannered and cold for an upbeat pop song. I don't have any recollection about writing this, and while I like the way the lyrics are structured, I like the positivity of it, the lack of scolding, I'd rate this one of the weaker productions on the CD, I think we could have done better with it and injected more life and energy into it. 

Lyrics
Oh, one day I went looking for, I went looking for love

Oh one day I went looking for, I went looking for the truth

On that day all I saw was misery, I saw sadness and fears

On that day, all I saw were hungry people, buried beneath a stream of tears

On that day I had to wonder, what was going wrong

On that day I had to to turn to someone, and that someone...

Oh one day I went looking for, I went looking for you

Oh one day, I went looking for, with new eyes clear and true

On that day I saw people healing, on that day they were feeding the hungry

On that day I saw people building, all because of you

Oh one day I went looking out, that was the day it's true

On that day I found what I was looking for, and gave myself to you

On that day I discovered the, I discovered the truth

On that day I discovered that, Jesus Christ, was the truth



Free
Music by Troy D (1980), lyrics by Shawn D (1998)

Tambourine and maybe the shakers were played by Mike Bruce (on the liner notes I was credited with playing "pop-ware", which was just popcorn in a Tupperware container) - Many, many years ago, Troy wrote this dramatic, very cool musical piece that I knew I'd have to write l words for. When it came time to come up with tracks for the CD, Troy's music was one of the first things I latched on to - I wrote words and melody and it quickly vaulted into one of my favorite numbers. It was one an A&R guy at Nashville liked, not as a single but as an album song, he felt the imagery was strong, though he suggested coming up with a better word than "sore" (which I changed to sorrows)

Lyrics
Simply stated, I was welcome unabated

Though I wasn't dressed right for the celebration

Christ said I'll make you into a new creation

Simply stated, I was joyful and elated

I came filthy with sin thinking I'd never be welcome in

But Jesus held me tightly, and warmly in his arms

And said, I'll always be there to protect you from harm

I'll take you're scars and sorrows (sores) on me

I'll take your weakness and pain on me

I'll take it all and set you free

I'll die for you nailed upon a tree

I'll die for you (5x)

Nailed upon a tree

I'll die for you and make you free

Listen
Written by Shawn D on January 20, 1999

I do like this song, it's a pretty one. I think I was trying to tap into the finger picking style of the Beatles Norwegian Wood when I wrote it. But who was playing guitar, I wrote and was familiar with playing it, but aside from one brief squeak, it's pretty clean, which would indicate my brother was playing?

Lyrics
Quiet your restless stirrings, listen for the lord

Listen for the sounds of mercy as you kneel before the cross

Quiet labored breathing, stop and rest in God

Listen for the sounds of love that arose from the grave

In my walk with Jesus, I often try to lead the way

Seems I'm full of question but never stop to hear the answers, when I pray

Quiet worried thoughts, let go and trust in Christ

Listen to the sounds of hope singing from the heavenly throne  



Carbon Copy Life
Written by Shawn & Troy D in 1980, updated in 1998

Hoo boy - The production should have been punchier, I'd have loved to have recorded this with a full band (with timpani, it needed a timpani). The original lyrics are lost, but the idea is the same, "don't follow the fad". Which was great when I was a teenager, but as an adult I sound like a grumpy old man.  

I remember writing this in 1980 and Troy came in and added another guitar that blended perfectly with what I was playing. We really worked well together, and the tune became one of our standards. I just wish my Christan re-write was better. It's too judgmental, and there's a double standard, hey don't be like them over there, be like us over here.  The intent of the original was "think for yourself" and I'm not sure that translated well into a Jesus song. 

Lyrics
Get into step boy, think like the majority

Get into the swing of things, why not act like me

Hey kids! Get into the fad

If you don't, we can make you feel bad

Cause it's such a, such a, carbon copy life

Everyone's doing it, with just a pinch of regret

Why stand with God when you can be a marionette

Chorus

(They say) do what the world does, cause following Jesus is such a chore

That way's too narrow, and we have a wider door

Hey kids! Why don't you break out of those chains?

Trust the lie and nothing remains

Discover what's really the way the truth and the life

Cause all they can offer you, is a carbon copy life



And You
Written by Troy and Shawn D in 1980

Uh-oh, the squeaky guitar, means I was on the Suzuki, first day recording then. This was one of our early songs. I remember Troy had these lyrics written all over this piece of paper, crossways, upside down, in bits and pieces. He had the music for the verses done, but no chorus. Meanwhile, I had this chorus, without a verse. So, I took both of these ideas, puzzled together lines Troy had penned and stitched together a song. It's one we played live for years. 

This was the densest recording too, multiple tracks for twin guitars and Troy's lead spot. A track for our lead vocals, a track for our backing harmonies.

Lyrics
Some days, I remember, happenings from the past

And you are there more than anyone to last

And you can see, the feelings inside

And you would know that those feelings are something I couldn't hide

And you showed more love, than any could conceive

And that's why you mean more than anyone to me

And you shaped and showed me all I could be

And you brought out much more feeling, than I ever thought could break free

Oh-a-woe, and you

And you gave me purpose, something I needed every day

And you gave me light, that helped me find my way

Oh-a-woe, and you - And you



The Journey
Written by Shawn D in May 1998

I'm playing my part of the lead guitar piece too fast, which was causing Troy to follow suit ("he's going too fast, slow down, slow down", I can imagine him thinking), despite that, it's overall a good sound. 

Lyrics came after, I was focusing on the music, as that was becoming more important to me, I wanted to try and expand and challenge what I was doing musically. But the lyrics hold up well, there was a good symmetry to it, I've noticed this quality in several Jesus songs I wrote - afterwards, I tended to do these odd, rather surreal verbal snapshots (though Nashville did teach me the importance of storytelling). But at this stage, I found a motif to circle around and return to. It's nice.

Lyrics
I was once lost on my journey, wandered from place to place

Then I came upon a man who said take my hand

And I'll lead you to the heart of your yearning

And I don't know why, but I think that I'll try

To put myself in your hands

And I don't know why, but I think that I'll try

To live according to your plans

I was hungry so you gave me food to eat

I was naked and you gave me your cloak

I was blind then you touched my eyes

And my fears drifted softly like smoke

And now I know why, I must never deny

To put myself in your hands

And now I know why, and I know that I'll try

To live according to your plans

Then you turned to me and told me to feed your sheep

To share what you'd done for me, and help awaken a world, that was fast, asleep

Amber's Song
Written by Troy D in 1980

I couldn't write a song for our late sister; the emotions were too overwhelming. But Troy came up with this understated but beautiful song that quickly became one of my favorites. There are two versions of this, Troy has the other.  

Troy was front and center on this one, while I stood in the back, with my back to him, playing harmonica and singing my part, it was an effort to use the acoustics of the spacious Church to create this, echoey, ghostly sound.

Lyrics

And if someday you must leave us behind

We won't fear for you, we won't be blind

And if we were afraid to go on our way

We'll remember you and ease all our hurt this day

In these past few days, you have shown us love in your many ways

And you have grown up, past your simple age

But of all the things we have taught you

We have told you little, that you don't already know

So once again, we love you so

Little girl, we love you so

Track 17: The Next Exit

My search through old cassettes unearthed a couple of goodies, and along with those, I added newer tunes for this demo, which was recorded in August of 2009. Other songs from this collection can be found on other pages - Tracfone - as well as The Night This Town Died, and Lifeblood (both of which are heard on Embryo 1980)

Note: This was collected in album form, so all you need do is hit play and it will go through the entire CD, or use the bar at the side to scroll down and click on an individual tune to hear it.

 

Where You Goin' Raggedy Andy?

Written on August 1, 2009

Musically it was inspired by the Everly Brother's "Bye Bye Love" - I wanted to try that kind of guitar strum, and while testing it out I improvised a few odd lyrics, which I restructured and folded into the final mix. 

I read an interview with Keith Richards where he spoke about how he wrote lyrics, how he'd leave out parts of the story, and remove every other line, creating a sense of obscure poetry. I attempted that here and elsewhere on the disc, and it was an interesting experiment. 

BTW - the title on the sheet music was "Raggedy Andy", but on the CD it was "Raggedy Ann" - I've used them both, and you can call it whatever you prefer. 

Lyrics

And I'm here by the wayside when you're glowing

I am just a dog chasing its own tail

It's all right to be dying if you know the path you're trying, is where you're going

It's all right to be needy, if you got nothing it's not greedy

To want what you spent a lifetime searching for

And I'm here by the fireside where your glowing

I am just a dog who's found a place to rest

It's all right to be fearin', when everything your hearing, takes all your best

It's all right to be content when you know she's heaven-sent

Ah, an angel in disguise, the devil's right before your eyes

Where you goin' raggedy Andy, where you goin'

Where you goin' raggedy Ann, when your gone

Where you goin' raggedy Andy, where you goin'

Where you goin' raggedy Ann, when your gone

Misery

Originally written in 2007, rewrites were done on August 2, 2009

I found this while combing through tapes, the melody was slow but held some interest, the words however were riddled with cliches, so while I kept the title (used like a name, but actually reflecting her state of mind), I rewrote the rest (using the Richard's method, which obscures the connection between the first and 3rd verses, with the second). 

Inspiration came from two sources - one was John Sandford's novel "Heat Wave" in which the protagonist is in bed with a gal, and he makes the statement that women don't know how beautiful they are, not really / and a moment in my life when a woman was pointing out her physical flaws, and I'm trying to tell her that's all nonsense, that she's beautiful, but she thought I was feeding her a line.... she didn't understand and I couldn't explain it clearly.

The line "Misery, fills the silence with serenity" is one of my personal favorites, I'm awfully proud of that one. The ending is simply beautiful.

I like the slide guitar, though my playing is sloppy. The tempo is laid back but emotional with an appealing, dreamy atmosphere. Structurally it's unusual as it never finds a chorus, or returns to the original verse, it's goes from one path to the next, to the next. The primary key shifting as well, from Em, to Bm to G. 

Lyrics

Misery doesn't know how beautiful she is

It's not rose blush and dim light, sweet talk or white wine

No words I can find, can offer sight to the blind

And that blithe innocence is beauty in itself

You won't give away, any secrets this day

And I can't take the strain, I can feel my strength wane

If we fell from grace, blundered into empty space

It's because we could only see, what the moment would bear

Misery, fills the silence with serenity

Misery, cannot see

She cannot see, the aching beauty

Black

Written on January 20, 2002, updated on August 9, 2009

Musically this one fought me, 7 years later I decided to wrap the words around Indian drums in hopes that might spark inspiration. Lyrically it was based on a poem by Sylvia Plath; the idea of opening and closing eyes, life and death. Only I reversed the idea, she wanted to keep her eyes open and see the beauty, in mine, I wanted to keep my eyes closed and escape the pain.

Lyrics

Close my eyes and the world fades to black

Lift my lids and it blooms back to life

Close my eyes and it can seem

Merrily, merrily, my suffering's all a dream

Fade into black, fade into black

Close my eyes and the pain fades to black

Lift my lids and it blooms back to life

Close my eyes and I disappear

I'm made of glass, I'm shiny and clear

Black, live in the black

I'm a ghost (I walk among men) unseen and numb

Naked in thorns, heart in chains, soul in barbed wire, my earthly remains

Shrouded in black... black... black

Close my eyes and the world fades to black

Lift my lids and resumes the attack

Close my eyes, I can swim in the black

Slippery and cold I might never come back

Fade into black, live in the black, live in the black

Ghost

Written on August 10, 2009

If Black draws from Plath, Ghost pulls straws from Dylan Thomas, the opening line is a nod to Love in the Asylum (A stranger has come, to share my room in the house not right in the head) and "The grievers grieve" comes from Ceremony After a Fire Raid. I also liked how the way he wove words - the colorful use of language that could bring images or feelings to life, and make them tangible. I wanted to bring that element, or at least attempt it.

Before that, I was scribbling nonsense on a paper plate and became frustrated with my feeble attempts to pen a song. This became my Nowhere Man so to speak, and in the morning, I wrote about the validity of my beliefs, how weightless my words were, how easy they crumble, and how ephemeral this life was. 

And that became the impetus, after that the lyrics came, as illustrative, personality snapshots rather than traditional narratives, each a reflection of myself (the baby, the judge, etc). The music cycles through the same chord structure, like a haunted mantra. The instrumentation was sparse, the voice, builds, though I lacked the range required. The recording's a bit rough around the edges, but that's par for the course.

Lyrics

There's a ghost in the room, there's a shadow on the wall 

There's a stranger in my bed, a sickly pallor on the pall

There are truths to garner, there's a truth to lay waste

Here lies skeletal unrest, a disturbing lack of scent of taste

There's a line struck through each word, there's a verdict handed down

There's a life sentence served, and a scream that leaves no sound

There's an apparition in the mirror, there's a lie hanging on my tongue...

masking itself as truth. A lack of presence in my lung

There's a man who has no bone, no fleshy sinew or meat

Who is stung by the barrenness, the stagnant vastness of deceit

There's an innocent in ashes, there's a baby in the well

Who leaves black roses to mark the spot where dear Orpheus fell

As the griever grieves, he offers himself no reprieve.

Nashville

Written in February 2001, updated in 2009

This was a crap melody with solid lyrics. Even my wife at the time thought the chorus was corny. After several failed attempts to fix it, I stored it away where it was forgotten. While recording this CD I sat down with it again and played it as a ballad instead of a rocker and expunged the chorus entirely, making the last line in the first verse the chorus. This turned the entire piece around and I feel it's one of the strongest tracks on the disc. 

I do sing the wrong word again (night, instead of light). 82 to 24 refers to the interstate highways, leaving Yakima, and arriving at Nashville. The Dr. was a therapist I was seeing at the time for depression, and she gave me the push to make the move (the things I wanted I couldn't get in a small city). Working the 9 to 12 refers to the hours playing a gig

Lyrics

Tell the doctor I've packed my bags, I'm rolling out by Tuesday light

I've been underground and I've taken it as far as it will go

82 says she'll take me to 24

And I've never gone that far before

No, I've never gone that far before

Strap the 6 string across my shoulder

I walk in blind but never felt better

Tell the boss I gotta break off, I'm working the 9 to 12

Baptize me in this wall of sound, I'm standing on holy ground

And I've never gone that far before

No, I've never gone that far before

And when I tell you that I saved my life today

That's because I took a step to where the music always plays

Repeat first verse

Make Believe World

Written on August 8, 2008

The exact date I wrote this is unclear, but the original lyrics were scribbled on a copy of a report from my job, and that's the date on the paperwork. This was a pop tune I played around with and then set aside. I found it in a pile of paper and rescued it from oblivion. 

The backstory? I was having these vivid dreams of an idyllic life with the woman of my dreams, mostly mundane events, but so much happier than gray reality. It reminds me of the Twilight Zone episode, "Willoughby" (which I name drop in an early number, Playing with Fire). I like the phrasing of the words; however, I didn't like how abruptly it ends in the recording.

Lyrics

I live in a world of my own creation

Forged in the heat of my imagination

You wear my ring and carry our child

There's a white picket fence, a dog and two cars

Most people find love interchangeable, lose one and merely plug in another

Most people go through people like candy, most people find a way to move on

But not me

I come home from work, and you greet me with a kiss

Though nothing here is real what could be better than this

I'd rather live in my make-believe word

Then spend an hour in the world as it is

'Cause all that I find there is loneliness

All that I find there is you without me

Jessie

Written on March 23, 2007

This is the first song I wrote after leaving the psychiatric hospital. I was a complete mess, shell shocked and thrown back into the world when I wasn't ready. The only sanctuary I had was music.

The original lyrics were a rambling novel. And while I went back and polished those up, I still felt it was too maudlin. I abandoned it and re-worked everything I had into the much more successful Working on Puzzles. I recorded this version for the CD because I thought there was enough decent there to warrant saving it. I'm glad I did because in hindsight in a solid number, I especially like the sad sounding "I don't know why" sections

Lyrics

It felt like a part of me had broken away

She came and taped up the pieces as best she could

And kept the nightmare from spilling inside

And I don't know why, I don't know why, I don't know why

She didn't even know me

I tried to hide the angry marks upon my wrists

I wanted to be left alone in my misery

She sat at my empty table

Smiled and said hello

And I don't know why, I don't know why, I don't know why

She didn't even know me

She was the quiet type, just like me

She kept to herself, usually

She who fought with her voices

Jessie lives in a world apart from mine

I don't know if I'll ever see her again

But I'll always remember her kindness in my darkest night

And I don't know why, I don't know why, I don't know why

She didn't even know me

Man of Steel

Written on August 3, 2009

The lyrics spell it out, I was bored, I was heartbroken, it was a boiling hot evening, too warm to fire up the stove, so instead of cooking a cake, I was lying on the floor eating frosting with my fingers and wondering what to do with myself... so I wrote about what I was doing at that very moment.

In the morning I composed a simple 3-chord melody around it, with a driving, distorted guitar, and bass. I played delay on the primary vocals, filtering them through "radio 3" (for that tinny sound - though in hindsight I should have gone with radio 1, as 3 is too muddy... muddy radio 3 was also heard in the next number, to its detriment).

Lyrics

I'm lying on the floor, it's dark

My clothes are wadded up in the corner

There's a can of strawberry frosting at my side

I lick my fingers clean as "El Dorado" plays on the TV

I'm not following the plot... I hear bullets scream

Bullets scream, bullets scream

I'm no laconic John Wayne, I'm no man of steel

Everything I feel I feel

I'm wallowing in it; I'm swallowing all of it

But if I get over her, she's gone

If I get over her, she's gone, if I get over her, she's gone, if I get over her, she's gone

I'm no man of steel, no man of steel

Somnambulant 

Written on August 8, 2009

I was in a creative rut, so I wrote about being in a rut (this reminds me of The Window) - After I wrote the music, it was apparent that the lyrics wouldn't fit, I couldn't squeeze them into the measures, so I had to split them in half. The last 2 lines in the 1st verse are actually connected to the first 2 lines in the 2nd verse (The idea: I go to the door, don't movie, life passes me by, and I feel regret).

I tried out several musical styles for this, even a reggae piece that never worked, so I scrubbed it all and went back to formula. I was shooting for Hendrix (but later noticed that the drum sounded like Zeppelin). I didn't use the bass as a lead, as I'd sometimes do, and went old school, following the drum to create a steady beat. Production was really muddy, unfortunately.

Lyrics

This was everything, and this was nothing

Through a window I see them pass by

All those pink faces, turning to the sky

I head to my door, but I don't have anywhere to go

Day turns to night, turns to morn...

Ahhh, ahhhh, ahhhh, I turn over to sleep

This was everything, and this was nothing

I gather together an armful of regret

And wonder why I never took a step

Insignificance on a rocket to the moon

I have no destination, but I'd like to get there soon

Ahhh, ahhhh, ahhhh, I turn over to sleep again